


Emotionless

by Neonna



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Light Angst, M/M, Medication, Self-Medication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 18:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12326301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neonna/pseuds/Neonna
Summary: Everyone is either over-, or under-emotional. Inhibitors, and Enhancers are prescribed respectively to help keep everyone balanced, but that doesn't mean everyone thinks the medications are a good thing.





	Emotionless

**Author's Note:**

> I am having the hardest time tagging this so if there are any tags that need to happen, please let me know. Rating may change as fic is updated.

Aiichirou sat on the locker room floor, muffling sobs into his arm. He clutched his inhaler in one hand, and his knees pulled up to his chest provided him with comfort.

A first year had replaced him on the relay team. The bright, young redhead was talented. Aiichirou didn’t doubt that, he’d seen Momotarou’s skill first-hand, and was glad to have someone like that on the team. That didn’t stop the feeling that he’d swallowed acid, a burning down his throat, and a constriction in his chest, making it difficult to breathe.

He only allowed himself to cry for a few moments. Someone could walk in. It wasn’t against the law to refuse the treatments, but most institutions like schools, which included Samezuka, encouraged their use. To help keep calm, and order.

He got to his feet, his legs shaking under the strain of holding himself up. His eyes felt like sandpaper, scratchy, and swollen from his tears. Moving to the mirror, he saw that he looked no better than he felt. Puffy, red-rimmed eyes, and tear-tracks down his cheeks.

The paper towel made his sensitive nose hurt as he wiped it, and dabbed at his eyes. Cold water helped the swelling go down, but it was still painfully obvious that he’d been crying.

Everyone had already left, Rin having made the announcement at the very end of practice. His body felt heavy as Aiichirou gathered his things at a snail’s pace.

He was rubbed emotionally raw, and felt drained. Aiichirou averted his gaze from anyone who might be looking, and moved through the grounds quickly. A little crying was normal, but if people saw you do it, they’d ask about the treatments, and Aiichirou wanted to avoid all conversation about that.

Choosing to remain off the treatments was controversial. The treatments provided emotional stability, a balance between those who felt too much, and those who felt too little. When Aiichirou was on his medication, he felt numb, and emotionally distant. While it was true that he didn’t feel the devastating valleys on the emotional spectrum, but taking the treatments also meant that he didn’t feel the peaks. It was the numbness that made him feel out of the control, not quite like himself.

His dorm room was empty. Momotarou was likely out celebrating, or perhaps he was just on the phone with his brother; like the older Mikoshiba, Momotarou wasn’t the type to gloat about his achievements, despite how talented he was.

The lower bunk was dark, and the closed door provided a little protection from the bustle of teenaged boys on the other side of it. Aiichirou curled in on himself again, a few stray tears welling in his eyes, and spilling over.  
A new dorm room, a tall, teal-eyed, dark-haired friend from the past, and now a first year making it onto the relay before him. Aiichirou couldn’t help, but feel as though he were being replaced, first as someone close to Rin, and now as a member of the team. It wasn’t in Rin’s control. He knew that, and it only made it worse.

A knock at the door made him jump, his body tensing. It was a soft, cautious sound. Quickly, Aiichirou wiped his face, and sniffed, sitting up straight. “Yes?” he said, expecting whoever it was to announce themselves, but instead the door opened just a crack, and Sousuke eased his head through.

Aiichirou had no qualms against Sousuke. He admired him. A lot. Sousuke had an unrivaled talent, and had even been polite when Aiichirou first introduced himself. Even so, Sousuke was the last person he wanted to see at that moment.

“Y-Yamazaki-senpai, w-what can I do for you?” He tried to keep his eyes down, gaze averted. Like everyone else, Sousuke would have questions about whether, or not he was taking his medicine.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing.” There was a dryness in Sousuke’s voice that surprised Aiichirou. Either he didn’t notice that Aiichirou had been bawling his eyes out, or he wasn’t bothered by it. What could he say? That he felt awful? That the reason he wasn’t on the relay too was because he hadn’t practiced hard enough, or that he wasn’t good enough? That it stung to be replaced as Rin’s closest confidant by Sousuke himself?

“I’m okay.” He tried to inject a little bit of cheer into his tone, but he wasn’t sure he managed it.

Aiichirou couldn’t decifer the look Sousuke gave him. A searching stare that somehow lacked a trace of empathy behind it. Sousuke could be described as appearing concerned, but it was a dry, cold look.  
With a nod, Sousuke closed the door, leaving Aiichirou to lie down in his bunk. Perhaps he would entertain a nap.

* * *

The next morning Aiichirou felt wrung out, but more level-headed. He knew what he had to do now. If he wanted a spot on the relay, he had to work for it.

It was a tempting idea to skip breakfast, but he was an athlete first and foremost. A spot on the relay also meant that he had to take care of himself. The cafeteria was buzzing with the sound of boys talking about their day; excitement over a new video game, a girl not returning phone calls, and wonderings about the contents of lunch that day.

“Nitori-senpai!” Momotarou’s excited tone was too much for him at any time of day, but especially in the morning. Aiichirou watched as Momotarou detached himself from a group of people he didn’t recognize.  
The smile on the redhead’s face faded a little, as worry creeped into Momotarou’s eyes. “How are you feeling?” he asked in a quieter voice.

Momotarou’s question made pain shoot through him. His roommate was asking because he’d heard Aiichirou up most of the night, crying. How couldn’t he have? The memory of the night, and finally falling asleep with the feel of the skin around his eyes aching made another lump form in Aiichirou’s throat. Over-sensativity was a side-effect of not being on his medication.

“I’m fine. Thank you, Momo-kun.” He moved through the crowd to get his breakfast.

In the cafeteria, at the end of the food line were lockers. They were tiny things that had each student’s name on them. Aiichirou found his own, and punched in his four-digit code to open it. Inside was a single pill bottle.  
Each student was responsible for alerting the school when their bottle was reaching empty. As it wasn’t illegal to stop taking your medication, the school stayed out of it. And so it was for social reasons that Aiichirou made a show of opening his bottle, and pretending to take a pill.

When he was done, he replaced the cap, and set the bottle back in his locker.

* * *

Maybe he should give up on swimming. He didn’t have the natural talent like Rin, Sousuke, or even Momotarou. The likelihood of him making it to the Olympics, or anywhere worth-while after high school was practically slim to none. At least Rin, and Sousuke both had scouts after them, even Momotarou will have people knocking at his door soon. What would become of Aiichirou? Maybe he’d get a job, or go to university. It felt like he was being left behind.

He didn’t accomplish much during class that day, feeling as though he were drowning in a haze of self-pity. He couldn’t stop the emotions that washed over him, threatening to overwhelm him right in the middle of class. Luckily, no one asked about the unshed tears in his eyes. When it came time to go down for practice, Aiichirou went. It was a routine, something comfortable, and deep down he knew nothing would be accomplished unless he put the work in.

He was the last one to change, and the last one to get onto the pool deck, his body feeling as though he had bricks in his veins.

“Ai, you’re late!” Rin barked, and Aiichirou nodded. He knew he late, of course, but he didn’t have the emotional resources to do much else about it except to agree with Rin. At his meek response, Rin faltered, and side-eyed him.

“Are you not feeling well today? Got a cold?” Rin asked in a more gentle tone.

Again, Aiichirou shook his head, feeling the concern wafting off his captain. He tried to force up a smile, which worked as it deterred Rin. At the very least it communicated to his captian that he didn’t want to talk about it right then.

Swimming numbed him. No, not exactly. Swimming gave him something else to focus on. While he moved through the water, all that mattered was his stroke, and making sure he didn’t hit his head against the wall. Times, relays, or other members of his team didn’t matter. He went through practice without speaking much, and staring blankly down at the ground when he wasn’t being spoken to. It felt weird, even for him. Normally he’d be drilling Sousuke, trying to squeeze every bit of swimming advice from his senpai that he could. He made an internal note to himself to make sure he perked up before next practice, or people would start asking questions. And by people, he meant Rin as his captain was already staring at him as though trying to puzzle him out.

He changed slowly after practice, taking extra time to wash himself with lightly-scented body wash, and then rub lotion into his skin afterwards.

People born into over-emotional families like him were taught strategies from a young age. Self-care, meditation, and other techniques to remain balanced. Children weren’t allowed to take emotional inhibitors until they reached age thirteen, and even then medication might not always be avaliable. Medication could run out, get lost, or any other myriad of things. And so, people like him still needed to cope, and remain a part of society. There were times when strategies didn't work.

The locker room was completely silent by the time Aiichirou slung his bag over his shoulder. The hum of the florouscent lights a soft sound at the back of his mind as he took one look around to make sure he’d got all of his stuff. The door squeaked on its hinges as Aiichirou exited out onto the empty pool deck. The sun was still up, and glittering rays danced on the surface of the pool. His stomach rumbled. Dinnertime, study time, and then back to practicing before bedtime. His life was a line of time, divided into chunks of time, but he hoped that it would improve his swim times in the end. He chuckled to himself.

“Glad you’re feeling better.”

He knew that voice, but in the moment he was startled, whirling around, and clutching at his bag. The pool had been empty, at least he’d thought. Aiichirou certainly hadn’t expected anyone to comment on his emotional state in any case.

Sousuke sat on a bench next to the locker room door. So that was why Aiichirou hadn’t seen him. He wondered if Sousuke’s face had always been so expressionless, but then the other’s smile softened. Sousuke stood, but made no move to approach, his hands jammed into the jacket of his hoodie.

“You were quiet during practice today,” Sousuke said.

Aiichirou didn’t care much for this type of communication. He liked openness, and honesty. Indirectness, vagueness, little hints of conversation were people’s way of trying to nose about in business that wasn’t theirs without appearing as such.

“Not any more than usual,” he said, shifting his bag on his shoulder, and trying to make it appear as though he wanted to leave. Aiichirou didn’t have the guts to walk away from Sousuke directly. Doing so would show disrespect, and he didn't feel that way towards Sousuke.

There was a silent exchange. Both knew Aiichirou didn’t want Sousuke prying, and it seemed as though Sousuke was debating whether, or not to push for information. After a long moment where Aiichirou thought of nothing except trying not to squirm under Sousuke’s gaze, his senpai just shrugged.

They said goodbye, and, with amicable smiles, parted ways saying that they’d see each other at practice.

* * *

In the coming days, Aiichirou tried to focus on swimming. He did well, considering, but his mind continually supplied unhelpful tidbits, and images of him failing. What if all of this was for nothing? What was he really accomplishing? Didn’t he know that the liklihood of injury in sports was high, and thus, would destroy all his hard work? He would never be as good as Rin and Sousuke, so what was the point? And so, Aiichirou felt as though he were fighting against himself more than he was swimming.

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore, and he stood in front of his locker with his pill bottle in hand. Emotional Inhibitors they called them. Medication for people like him who felt too much, and got upset easily. They would help him remain balanced, and focused, but it wasn’t easy on the body to be continually going on, and off them. If he decided to take them again, then that was his reality for at least half a year.  
The pill felt large, and heavy as he tipped one from the bottle onto his palm. He took a breath, tilting his head back as he popped it into his mouth, and swallowed. The capsule clung to his throat, threatening to choke him. Aiichirou wished he had water as he swallowed a few more times.

He didn’t immedietly feel different. The pills were designed to enter the system slowly, concentrating on the emotional centers in the brain. A quick change would frighten people, he supposed. Still, there was a placebo effect. He felt his anxious pulse slow, just with the knowledge that he would soon feel much less than he did before.

* * *

Aiichirou took to practicing at night. Regular practice would end after his classes. He would shower, and allow himself a break, laying out his swimsuit in his dorm in an attempt to dry it a bit. He’d do his homework, study, and then go down for dinner. In the evening he didn’t have to worry about taking the Inhibitors. They were a once a day perscription. After dinner was what everyone was in the dorms finishing up their homework, or relaxing. It was a time when Rin would go for his evening jog, and Aiichirou would head down to the pool.

It was calm at this time of night. All the lane ropes were reeled in for the night, and the moonlight sparkled on the surface of the water. He never turned on the big lights. Aiichirou didn’t want to draw attention to himself, and if some of the more exhuberant team members found out that he was practicing, they’d want to join him. Aiichirou needed this time to do his work by himself. He’d wriggle into his still-wet swimsuit, wincing at the cold, sticky feeling. Maybe he should think about buying another one, but when did he have the time to go shopping? If he wanted to make it onto the relay, all spare moments he had needed to be spent on swimming.  
Rin looked so happy swimming with the Iwatobi team the year before. As much as Aiichirou tried, he couldn’t make a smile like that appear on his friend’s face. It hadn’t been him that Rin had needed, and it hurt. Aiichirou blamed himself for not being on the relay this year. He’d wasted too much time on Rin. Now, with Sousuke back, and Rin seemingly more balanced, all Aiichirou had to focus on was himself. He wanted to be a part of the reason for that smile.

In the pool he warmed up, but didn’t spend as much time on it as they did in practice. He likely didn’t spend enough time on it period, but he was eager. There was work to be done. Then it was a blur of doing laps from one end of the pool to the other. He focused on his stroke, and trying to perfect it. If he did, it would improve his swim times. A perfect, flawless stroke would make him faster.

It was often during these times that he questioned the effectiveness of this method. Was this the best way he could be practicing? Was there something better? But nothing else could be done right then. Aiichirou needed to put in the time, and that was exactly what he was doing.

The first time Sousuke caught him practicing, Aiichirou blinked in shocked surprise as his friend offered to coach him. By this time the Emotional Inhibitors were deeply-rooted into his system, and dulling his emotional responses. Being on his Inhibitors was like holding a piece of ice to the skin for a few moments, lightly numbing, but not completely. He still felt things, but often took longer for him to recognize other people’s emotional responses, Aiichirou himself being less attiuned to others.

He’d always thought Sousuke was attractive, but with the Emotional Inhhibitors it was easier to push those feelings aside. The Inhibitors made focusing on swimming all the more easier.

* * *

“You’re getting better,” Sousuke said during one of the forced breaks he had Aiichirou take. “Your times are improving.”

Aiichirou nodded, sipping at his water bottle as he stared over the surface of the pool. He was happy, of course he was. Any improvement on his personal times was good, but he still wasn’t good enough to win a spot on the relay.

Sousuke seemed to catch on what he was thinking, and nudged him in the side. “Don’t be too eager,” he chastized like he had time and time again before. “If you push yourself too hard you could ruin everything.”

“I know,” Aiichirou said, trying to keep his voice even, to keep the frustration out of his tone. “I just… I-I’m not good enough. I need a little more. Can I go back now?”

“Eat something first.” Sousuke held out an energy bar. “Then we’ll do a few more before we finish for the night.”

Aiichirou took the bar, and tugged open the package. Each moment he sat around he was losing time, he could feel it, a small ticking in the back of his mind. It happened during mealtimes, class times, while he was doing his homework, or any other time he was unable to be at the pool working.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling at Sousuke, but it was a distracted movement, his mind to focused on his goal. “For coaching me, and taking time away from your own practicing. I - I really appreciate it.”

Something flickered behind Sousuke’s eyes. It was strange. Aiichirou wouldn’t say there was much emotion there, but there was something. He shook himself. It was probably just a side-effect from being back on his medication, his mind playing tricks on him.

“Of course,” Sousuke said, clearing his throat with a cough. “It’s no trouble.”

* * *

 

Sousuke was part of the other half of the population, the part who didn’t feel at all. Although, his condition had been more of an aid than a hinderance for him. All he had to do was stop taking his medication, and it hardened his heart. Being emotionally numb helped to keep him focused through his training. There were no distractions: no girls, no family drama, and even his arguments with Rin were long-over. He was in a perfect position with the goal of the Olympics in mind.

No girls, no family drama, and no friends also meant he didn’t rest. He trained without end, marking his progress in journals given to him by his coach. Sousuke surpassed his teammates, and then challenged himself more, how far could he go?

When his shoulder became weak, he ignored it. He couldn’t stop now. Sousuke was driven, and motivated. If he wanted to be good enough for the Olympics, he needed to start early. He’d been training since he was a little kid, Sousuke wasn’t about to stop so soon. But then a weakness became a consistent soreness, and before he knew it, Sousuke was broken. His shoulder eventually gave out, and his lack of emotional response had the doctor worried.

“Are you currently taking your Enhancers?” he asked, reading over Sousuke’s file.

When Sousuke said no, the doctor stared at him from behind his glasses for an uncomfortably long moment. Maybe he was trying to find the words to push Sousuke into taking them, or advice to give him now that his life was slipping from his grasp.

“They’ll help you make the right choices,” the doctor finally said. “I would advise you consider going back on them.”

At that moment, Sousuke got up, and left without consideration for the doctor, or how rude he were being. Another side-effect of being off the Enhancers was that he often didn't respond to social situations appropriately.

He didn’t follow the doctor’s advice. His Enhancers would only make it more difficult to watch his teammates pass by him one by one. So, when he made the choice to go to Rin, and Samezuka it had been a logical one. Sousuke hadn’t been sure what he’d been looking for at first. A friend, or someone familiar. They’d had different ideals, him and Rin, and Sousuke supposed that he wanted to see how they played out. Was Rin more right than him? Because Sousuke had clearly chosen the wrong path.

The silver-haired kid reminded him a bit of himself. There was a determination in his eyes, and Rin seemed particularly fond of him.

“I was an asshole,” Rin had laughed, but it was a dry sound with guilt in his eyes. “He stuck by me all last year, tried to help me as best as he could. After it was all over… I wished I could have figured my shit out sooner.”Rin called him Ai, and Sousuke supposed that he just naturally followed suit.

He’d been with Rin the first time he’d seen Ai practicing alone. The next night Sousuke had been wandering about, listening to music, and trying to distract himself when he’d seen him again. By the third night Sousuke deliberately sought him out. Sure enough there he was. The pool was quiet, the lane ropes gone, and even from outside Sousuke could see the fatigue in Ai’s body making his stroke lazy. It ate at him, watching Ai make the same mistakes he did. Practicing without rest, and pushing himself too hard. If he left it alone, it was possible that Ai would destroy himself just as Sousuke had done. And so, he started to coach him.

The desicion to coach Ai was a purely selfish one, something to pass the time, and maybe, just maybe, Ai would turn out to be something of a legacy for him. If he couldn't swim himself, and leave his mark on the world, then maybe someone else could do it for him.

* * *

"You're lazy," Sousuke said for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. If Aiichirou weren’t on his Inhibitors he was sure he would have snapped by then.

“I’m not, Sousuke-senpai,” he said, clinging to the pool before Sousuke’s feet, and pulling his swim cap off.

Sousuke crouched so their faces were close, studying him. Aiichirou allowed it, taking the time to rest from Sousuke’s relentless training. His senpai had a way of pushing him to the limit, but without breaking him. It was a special skill Aiichirou was grateful for, when he wasn’t so exhausted.

There was a commotion from the dining hall. Aiichirou could see people running as though in a panic. It was odd, not normal.

“What’s going on there?” he asked, wiping the water from his face as he started to perk up.

Sousuke seemed to stare for a moment as though debating whether Aiichirou was simply trying to distract him before turning his head, and a frown creased his forehead. “That doesn’t look good.”

Aiichirou didn’t even change. He simply grabbed a towel, and headed across the lawn with Sousuke, shivering from the cold. The Inhibitors made the cold less distracting than it otherwise would be, enabling him to focus. He couldn’t see over the crowd, even standing on his toes.

“Can you see, Sousuke-senpai?” he asked, craning his neck.

“Yeah…” Came the reply.

“Well? What’s happened?”

“The lockers have been broken into.”

“What?”

“The lockers with everyone’s pills. They’re all open.”

**Author's Note:**

> Finally have a new [tumblr](https://neonnawrites.tumblr.com/). Feel free to stop by, and say hello!


End file.
